I’ve actually been trying not to write much about Erica this past little while. I mean, what else can I say that hasn’t already been said?
But here I go anyway….
These are the few days of the year during which I battle the “I should have known” demons.
The little demons that gnaw away at me about Erica not calling at Easter in 2013. The little demons that turn my stomach in knots about not having sent Erica a message to check in when she didn’t contact me. The little demons that haunt me about Erica not calling me one.last.time.
The demons, of course, can’t take hold when I am being rational and logical. And therein lies the rub. So little of grieving – of losing a piece of your identity – is rational and logical. None of it makes any sense.
That’s how the demons get you.
They creep up on you as you’re about to fall asleep.
They sneak into your dreams, which then become nightmares.
They lurk as the dreaded anniversary approaches.
They hide in what others are saying.
They are always there.
Again, in less emotionally-charged situations, the can be shaken off with a relative amount of ease, because I know, of course, that I couldn’t have known. There’s no way I could have known. And, before anyone says it, I also, of course, know that it’s not my fault.
But this is the week. This is the week when those tiny demons grab on and hold tight, and it takes a fair amiunt of my energy to silence them.