(I hate how this is going to start off, because it happens to all women, regardless of their size, shape or age, but I’ve felt it more lately than I have for several years.)
Over the last several months, I have received more comments about my appearance than I have in a long time. The vast majority of the comments have been unwanted, but even when people I know comment on my appearance, I get uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
I don’t enjoy being the centre of attention. I never have.
It makes me want to run. And hide.
I don’t enjoy receiving compliments and I don’t take them well.
I’ve had a couple of conversations lately with friends that have led into discussions about our appearances and the attention we do or do not receive, have or have not received. But it never occurred to me (because sometimes I’m dumb) until I saw this image why I don’t like to stand out. Why I’m perfectly happy not standing out.
If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know my stories. And, of course, I knew these experiences affected me deeply, but I don’t know if I realized until I read the second last line of that image how deeply they’d affected me.
I don’t wear make-up. I don’t tend to put a lot of effort into my appearance. I dress in a pretty non-descript kind of way. I workout because I love it and for the health benefits, rather than for any reason related to my appearance. I consider myself average, ordinary, and I’ve told a lot of people that I’m happy with this (and I am), because I don’t like to stand out.
We live in a rape culture. I’ve said that before.
We live in a culture that says I have to drive more places than I walk, because I might be assaulted. And, if I am, I will be questioned as to why I was walking alone. Why I was walking after dark. Why I was walking in that neighbourhood.
We live in a culture that says I can’t leave my drink unattended, because someone might put something in it.
We live in a culture that says women should take self-defense classes to ward off potential attackers.
We live in a culture that says that a woman is “asking for it” if her attire is too short, too tight, too revealing, too anything-your-grandmother-wouldn’t-wear-to-church.
We live in a culture that says it’s okay for men to whistle, holler, honk, catcall, comment, etc. to or about women and women should be flattered. And, if they’re not, they’re some kind of man-hating bitch that can’t take a compliment.
We live in a culture that says it’s okay for men to touch women without their permission. A culture where a man will approach a woman he doesn’t know, touch her, comment on her appearance and then mock her.
When I am walking somewhere and a man is approaching me in the opposite direction, I make a point of looking him squarely in the eye. I take note of what he looks like. Just in case. However, if he then smiles at me and seems to be friendly/non-threatening, I drop my eyes and can’t look at him.
When men I know, who I like, look at me for any length of time, I look away or I tell them to stop looking at me.
When people I know pay me a compliment, I quietly say, “thank you,” and then I look away.
I know, of course, that rape culture is not about a woman’s appearance. It might be an excuse that people use, but that’s not what it’s about. I still can’t help feeling, though, with the messages we are inundated with, that how I look is somehow related to the experiences I’ve had.
Being average is good. It’s comfortable.
Being ordinary is good. It’s safe.
I don’t want to stand out.
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Related posts:
Fuck off with your misogyny (mine)
Let’s get physical (mine and Becca‘s)
Scared of men (Cranky Giraffe’s)
The instant I was broken (Cranky Giraffe’s)
A long time ago, I asked a friend, the father of four daughters and two sons, how to respond to compliments. He said that a simple “Thank you” is sufficient. He also told me that each one of his daughters was worth more than all the men on the planet combined! As ordinary as you may wish to appear, the Truth is that you are a unique and perfect expression of Perfection who has been repeatedly injured by those who have forgotten their own provenance. I’m glad you reveal yourself at your own pace! xoxoM
Every one of your comments “gets” me in some way, Margarita. You are a lovely human being.
Dearest Meizac, my mission in life seems to be to remind us all of who we truly are. I’ve come to it late, so I’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for. Thanks for sharing with me that I’ve contributed! xoxoM
I’m encouraged by the vast number of people/organizations who are now speaking out about finally putting all the responsibility on men to NOT rape, rather than the women to not dress “provocatively” and indulge in “risk taking” behavior.
You’re still hot, though.
behavioUr
Today marks the 6th anniversary of the death of an amazing woman. She was raped, about 9 years ago by her neighbour in her home while her kids were sleeping. She was also beaten severely and then forced to befriend and coddle her rapist so she could escape him by convincing him to go back to the apartment he came from. She called for help. He was arrested, incarcerated for a short time.
After being raped her entire existence changed. She wore dresses to her ankles, shirts to her neck, long sleeves, she became a counsellor for victims of rape and an advocate for Native women of rape as well. She also became an alcoholic. She also committed suicide.
Her two children have stopped growing mentally as a result of losing their mom. I take care of these young adults partly financially but most definitely emotionally. In spite of my best efforts to help her son, provide him with employment, shelter, advice he is now homeless, he found her the night of her suicide.
9 years later the ripple effects of this rape can still be felt. I wish our society was different. I wish rapists were punished the way victims are punished. This man served a pathetic few years in jail as a repeat rapist. Where is the justice in that?
Another sad circumstance is that rapists/abusive men extinguish the beautiful light that exists in all of us women each time they are allowed to behave the way they do as a result of our culture!
It just plain sucks!
Disclaimer: I’m on an iPad I take no responsibility for my typos!
I wish everything you just posted weren’t true.
Me too.
It’s a weird balance creatied in society between wanting to look good (positive self-image) and then having to “be” good and “act” good because of that.