I got a text from my ex the other day.
In it, he told me how terrible he feels right now.
I ignored him at first, but then a few more messages came. I told him not to talk about himself the way he was talking about himself. He told me it’s how he feels.
I got a little irritated.
Then, something clicked.
Other people who have done things that hurt me deeply have tried this too.
Other people have told me how bad they feel about themselves and the consequences of their actions after they’ve hurt me.
Other people have – in one way or another – tried to make me take responsibility for more than my fair share of the situation.
And, for some of them, it worked…for a little while.
As I was considering this, something else clicked and then I thought, “how dare you?”
How dare he try to gain my sympathy.
How dare other people try to make the hurt they’ve inflicted upon me about them.
Is it selfish of me to not want to help them get through their hurt, anger, etc.? Maybe some of you will say so, but I don’t think it is.
When I make mistakes – big or small – I apologize. And I mean it. And I do things to make things better and to demonstrate that I won’t make the same mistake again. I mean, I even apologize to my kids (this is a completely foreign idea to some people I know who think parents shouldn’t apologize to their kids). When I screw up, when I overreact, when I do something I realize I shouldn’t have…I apologize. I explain what happened (not as a justification, but so that they understand), and I apologize.
My ex, my mother, my sister, others?
No.
No meaningful apologies.
Instead, they turn it around and try to make it my responsibility that they are now hurting, stressed, angry, etc.
For example…. Several years ago, I contacted my mother because my sister was going into drug rehab. We hadn’t spoken in several years (her choice, not mine), but I felt we needed to present a united front to best help my sister. I actually said to my aunt, “She doesn’t need to have a relationship with me, if she doesn’t want, but I really feel we have to work together to best help E.”
When the phone call came back from my mom, the first thing she did was demand an apology. She wanted me to apologize for all that had happened between us when I was a young teenager. She insisted (and she actually said this to me) that I take full responsibility for everything that had happened between us.
And you know what? I did.
And you know why? So, we could get to helping my sister. This was not about her, and it was not about me, it was about helping E the best we could.
But, here’s the thing. I wasn’t fully responsible for what happened between us. Did I play a role? Sure I did. I was also a young teenager going through a pretty stressful and traumatic time with my parents’ divorce and the bullying at school because of it. But, yeah, okay, I played a part. I did/did not do things that I should not/should have done. Looking back, it still wasn’t anything like what many of my friends were doing, but that’s okay. She wasn’t their mother. She was mine, and I did things to hurt her. However, if you’ve been reading this blog or you know me personally, you know that she also did things to hurt me. She did things that – as a mother myself, now – are unconscionable to me.
But I had to take full responsibility. I had to make her feel better before we could move on with helping my sister. So I did.
That’s one example. I have others from my ex, my sister, long-time friends. They’re all pretty well the same. It, somehow, ends up being my responsibility to put things back together. My responsibility to make the other person feel better.
But it’s not my responsibility.
Again, and I’ve said this before, I’m nowhere near perfect. No matter how big or small, I had a part to play in every situation or relationship in which I’ve ended up being hurt. Of course I have.
Like my mother (and others), my ex has never apologized for his (significant) part in what happened between us.
Maybe he will one day. I don’t know. I don’t know if it will matter.
What does matter is that I will no longer allow people who have hurt me to put it on me.
Mine either and I don’t think he will..but I can imagine him doing just this. What a crock…nope, he deserves no sympathy!
I know why all the people who’ve done it to me have done it. They can’t face what they’ve done, so they try to shift the blame back onto me (or anyone else they can). Then, when I stand up for myself and refuse to be taken advantage of in that way, they can somehow feel justified. Jerks.
I think you’re doing really well analysing these things. It’s making me think too. People like that are just plain gutless and can never grow, as to grow, you need to recognize your mistakes. We are the lucky ones!
It sounds like you have had a rough trot with your Mum too.
You’re right, Jen. I think that we can recognize these things helps us grow. It helps us better. For ourselves and for our kids.
And, yes, a pretty rough go with my mom. I think that’s part of what makes the stuff with my ex (and others) hurt more, particularly since they knew about it and, therefore, knew how important trust, etc. are to me.
Yes, that sucks Meizac. You seem remarkably sane for what you have been through! Hang in there. You know you have so many supporters here. Don’t doubt yourself, and if you need to write it…write it!
My ex told me (in an email) that he wasn’t responsible for how I feel, that only I am. He won’t take responsibility for the hurt he’s caused me. Knowing he feels that way about what happened was like a slap in the face.
Even if an argument could be made for him not being responsible for how you feel (I don’r agree, and we hear this too often, don’t we? That no one is responsible for how we feel but ourselves), he most certainly is responsible for his actions that led to your feelings. I hate when people refuse to own up to what they’ve done.
Meizac,
it’s not selfish. And if you indeed don’t love him anymore, it’s in your best interest to keep this non-selfishness going.
You know, the other night, as I was making that playlist, my ex, who is not my ex anymore, told me I should probably make a make up playlist. He did apologize back then, but after me telling him he should do so. I don’t know yet if it’s good or bad. That he did so after me telling him he should, that is…
Hugs,
mmkng
Hi, mmkng
Nah, I don’t love him anymore. I haven’t for a long time. I think that’s what makes it easier not to get sucked into him trying to shift the blame.
I don’t know what to think about the apology coming after you told him he should apologize. I think it’s entirely possible that he genuinely didn’t think to apologize and needed to be prompted and that, when he did apologize, he sincerely meant it.
Hugs back,
Meizac
It is a cycle, and it will happen again – and again, it is his guilt that he won’t admit. He is blame-shifting because he can’t bear the thought of what he as done (even if he doesn’t recognize that). It’s ok not to feel guilty and to be upset. He needs to deal with what he has done and you need to deal with what has happened and where your life is now.
Thank you, IAmB3lov3d. I just said, in reply to someone’s comment, pretty much this. That he (and others who’ve been in my life) shifts the blame because he can’t bear to face what he’s done. It’s easier to shift the blame and then he (and others) feels justified, somehow, when I resist.
Thank you for your always thoughtful comments.
Good for you! That took a lot of insight, and a lot of courage. Keep it up – don’t let yourself get sucked into the apologies. If he were really sorry, he would have made some serious changes already.
I have the same thing with my mother – it’s always my fault, and everyone says so. Never mind that my mother is actually very abusive, and it is well known that the victim is usually blamed. The sad part? It’s affecting my marriage. Luckily, we both walked into this relationship with full understanding of the baggage. But it’s not enough to prevent everything, just enough for us to know not to blame each other.
I think that’s key, littleduckies, recognizing what’s there and allowing it to guide your actions. What I mean is, even if it’s bad stuff, then you use it as a How-Not-To manual, of sorts. My mother was pretty abusive…and it was never her fault.
The people who do these kinds of things never apologize, at least not more than superficially, and I think that speaks volumes about their character. I’m happy that you and your partner walked into this knowing full well what you had to deal with and how to deal with it.
Right. I think everyone in our lives are role models. The question is what kind: “How-To” or “How-Not-To”. I am against apologizing, because the only apologies I grew up with were fakes. (Which means that now, when DH apologizes, I get mad. LOL.) I think the only kind of apology that really counts, is a change of behavior. Everything else is kind of a way to keep doing what they’re doing. Obviously, I’m wrong. I know, logically, that I’m wrong. That doesn’t change how I feel, though. Too bad you can’t just change your number, huh?
I remember a former teacher telling us – when a kid was being mercilessly bullied – that “I’m sorry,” means you recognize that what you did was wrong, hurtful, etc. and you plan to change your behaviour. Without the change in behaviour it means nothing.
Also, sort of off-topic, but not entirely…. I teach my kids to say, “Thank you for saying you’re sorry,” when someone apologizes to them, rather than “that’s okay,” or some variation of that. I think it’s important to acknowledge the apology but not to (especially for my daughter) give the impression that what they did was no big deal, as I’m afraid “it’s okay,” does.
Right – “I’m sorry” only means something if it is followed by action. Some people say, “I’m sorry” to mean that yes, I recognize that what I did was mean and hurtful – but guess what? I enjoyed it and will do it again.
You’re right – it IS important. I was also made to say, “Thank you for saying sorry,” but I hated it, still do. I never understood – until just now, when you explained it – why people are supposed to say thank you for an apology. So, thank you.
Mine has never apologized either AND he plays the victim – constantly. Strange, seeing as he’s the one who walked! Never letting them put it on you is the difference between survival and collapse I think.
I think you’re right, denmother. With everyone who hurts us, we can’t allow them to shift the blame. We each have to take responsibility for our own part.
The difference between taking ownership and taking blame can be huge. Good for you for knowing where you stand.
Well, that about sums it up. If I’d thought of that: “The difference between taking ownership and taking blame can be huge,” it could have been a much shorter blog post.
Thank you, iRuniBreathe.
Meizac
You and I have talked about this sort of stuff. I don’t like it either when people deflect responsibility by making it your problem–you’re the one overreacting, you’re the one who got hysterical, you’re the one who was unreasonable… and now YOU’VE wronged them, so YOU have to apologize for upsetting them. I grew up with a lot of that too, and was in relationships with that dysfunctional dynamic as well. So good for you for standing up and saying “I owe you nothing. This is all on YOU.”
I’m just going to respond to all of your comments from now on with, “I love you, Weebs.” S’all I got.
Good. Great role model for your kids: take responsibility for your stuff, and walk away from what’s not yours. A skill they need to master, too! xoM
I love when we have those little EUREKA moments – when everything slides into place…. the clarity of that moment is so profound.
I am glad you saw the pattern of behavior… and recognized it. I was thinking YAY!!!!!
I too have a habit of starting to apologize for shit that ain’t my fault. I have a hard time NOT taking responsibility for things that I shouldn’t…. I know that role waaaaay tooo well…. I fight the urge every day….
It’s because we’re actually the same person, THAM.
hmmmm…i think I would know if I had two kid geniuses…
Maaayyybeeee….
I’ve learned there is a difference for taking responsibility for your own actions and taking the blame for someone else’s.
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