It’s been a long time since it happened.
Nearly seven years, actually.
I made clear in a previous post that I blame him for this. As with any relationship, I know I have to take responsibility for my own shortcomings, and I do. They pale in comparison to what he did to me; what he did to us.
And why does it still have to hurt so much?
When will it stop hurting?
Without question, I am over him. I no longer love him. I haven’t for a long time. I do not hate him. It would not bother me in the least if I never spoke to or saw him again. (Of course, this can’t happen (and I won’t allow it to happen), because we have Z and M.)
What I am not over is how much he hurt me. He’s not only hurt me, he’s hurt me in such a way as to have a long-term impact on any and all relationships I may have. He’s hurt me in such a way as to have a long-term impact on any and all relationships I already have.
When I need to talk to or just be in the presence of someone the most, I can’t bear the thought of it. I can’t bear the thought of confiding in someone else.
The depth of the pain is too much to bear.
When will it stop hurting?
When will I be able to return to some version of the woman I was before this?
I thought I was getting better. I mean, I’ve told the story of what happened to so many people these past few months, and I’ve done it nearly every time without feeling anything. Like it was just something that happened. That, sure, it was a big deal at the time, but I’m good now. In fact, I told the story to someone today, and I was fine.
I’m not fine.
I came home to relieve him from his childcare responsibilities, so he could go back to his place, and we, of course, got into an argument. He was angry with me about something. I can’t even remember what. Then, he made me feel like hell about all the time I’ve been away from the kids lately (even if I am still with them more than he is) because of work and school.
Then, I was sorting through some things looking for items to donate to the local women’s shelter, and I came across all the e-mails, letters and receipts from seven years ago. (I had them tucked away in case I need them when it comes time to get into all the legal stuff.)
I forgot they were there.
I immediately broke down.
I didn’t even need to read them (and I didn’t).
Sunk to the floor and started sobbing.
Haven’t stopped crying, actually.
I can barely see through the tears as I write this.
And, as much as I need to talk to someone, I don’t feel I can.
There’s no one close by that I either trust enough or is in a position for me to bother with my stuff. And, for the couple of friends I do trust (but who aren’t in a position for me to bother them), when does it stop? Even if I did call them or ask them to come and just sit with me, when is enough enough?
It doesn’t matter how much I try, I still cannot put to words exactly how deeply I feel the humiliation of him telling other people the most intimate details of our life, in explicit detail…so they could spit them back at me or so I could read about them in e-mail exchanges.
It doesn’t matter how much I try, I still cannot put to words exactly how deeply I feel the betrayal…after he managed to break down the walls to get me to trust him; to get me to declare him “the best person I know,” when someone asked why I was marrying him.
I doesn’t matter how much I try, I still cannot put to words exactly how deeply it all hurts.
I often feel like I’ll never fully recover from this.
Why does it still have to hurt so much?
When does it stop hurting?
And why does it make everything else that hurts hurt so much more?
Wow. There are no answers for what you’re going through, just the hope that time will ease it.
Thank you.
I hesitate to comment at all, but I have a feeling, Meizac, that you need to go through a process of forgiveness towards him for the past. This is incredibly difficult if there’s a lack of (or wishy-washy) remorse on his part. The triggers (like finding the emails) will still happen sometimes and it will still hurt. But even though it’s been seven years, I sense that you’ve only begun dealing with it (in a healthy way) over the past few months. But the depth and intensity of the bitterness and resentment for the past betrayal is holding you hostage. I’m in the middle of the forgiveness process myself. I’ll try and explain what I mean (please readers, don’t crucify me over my inept descriptions, I have spoken with Meizac in person and she knows my story). For me, when I recall the details of the incident, when I find myself in that moment again (something triggers it) the hurt is almost overwhelming. I am a victim again in that one moment. But as soon as that moment drags out to 2 minutes and 3 minutes, I am only victimizing myself by dwelling on it. He has no idea what I’m experiencing and unless I plan on telling him (to vent), I’m just creating a volcano that will explode on whoever happens to be near. And so I forgive (releasing a little bit at a time the power that the memories have on me). Seriously, I take a deep breath, remember and validate my feelings at that moment (yes, I was hurt, yes I was betrayed) and then mentally move on (but I’m OK, safe now, nothing is happening currently to inflict pain on me, I’m just remembering the depth of the hurt from the past). I mentally focus on today, to the future, to hope. I use self-talk and prayer. At the beginning, I used post-it notes on the back of my bedroom door. Things that I needed to “hear” to put things in perspective were right there for me any time I needed them. I hope you understand that I’m quite realistic about this. It’s not pie in the sky, ignoring, forgetting or denying any of what happened. You are fully entitled to have “a moment” whenever a trigger strikes the cord. Just put in place something a plan, so that you don’t have 2 or 3 minutes or even hours of grief without someone to help. People do care.
I want to point out that any current emotional abuse (which is what sounds like happened during the argument) is a different issue. And it needs to be dealt with differently.
Renee, thank you for commenting. I’m glad you did, as you also know me, J, Z and M personally. You’ve hit a number of points in your comment that have inspired another blog post. Thank you.
I accidentally stumbled onto this blog and am thankful for that. Renee I believe you to be a true friend to Meizac no matter how well you two know each other and I believe your words are blessed. Many of us have hurts that are unfathomable and on our own we cannot find a way out or over then, but search for a Friend (one to confide in without condemnation but with support) and no matter what you believe, know that Jesus truly loves you uncompromisingly.
Renee,
You’re spot on when you say:
“But the depth and intensity of the bitterness and resentment for the past betrayal is holding you hostage.”
Betrayal is a horrible thing and the longer you trusted someone before they betrayed you, the worse it is to deal with.
Meizac:
What I learned from being betrayed is that you certainly can blame the other person for the actual incident; however, the size of the wall that you build around yourself and the level of bitterness and resentment you allow yourself to hold and for how long are your end of things.
I also learned that the longer you let that bitterness and resentment keep hold of you, the more you are to blame for the negative things that happen as a result of them. Your feelings may be a consequence of the incident, but your feelings will have their own negative consequences the longer you harbour them and wear them on your sleeve.
It really hit home for me when I nearly lost a friend and then realized that I couldn’t blame my betrayer for the impending loss as this friend had never met her and knew nothing of her. It was my bitterness and grudge holding that was repelling my friend; a friend that, thankfully, was patient enough and forgiving enough to let me know what was really going on and give me a chance to change it.
You said in your post:
“There’s no one close by that I either trust enough or is in a position for me to bother with my stuff. And, for the couple of friends I do trust (but who aren’t in a position for me to bother them)”
However, Renee has proven you wrong in that assertion. Clearly, she will put herself in a position for you to “bother” her. That’s the mark of a true friend.
A quote from Mahatma Gandhi served me well in getting past my bitterness and getting on with life after betrayal:
“You must be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
It works well in smaller contexts, like our personal lives, just as well. Any change you want in your personal life must start with you.
It stops hurting when you stop letting it hurt.
Thank you, pickledwings, for your very thoughtful and honest comments. So much of what you say here is true. (Just to clarify, Renee, indeed, is a true friend. She’s just on the other side of the world from me right now, so that’s all I meant about not being close enough.)
Thank you.
Meizac
PS I’ve used the term “imploding” to describe my hurt. It’s that inward collapsing and having no energy left to even draw in a breath.
Been ther still there in the way of divorce. Its not getting any easier and i feel your pain. I too have a blog and I started it today because I have noone who understand me and I am hoping my blog will give me some venting time even if noone follows, I feel its important to vent. There are people who are going thru it to. Wishing you the best. My blog is breakupqanda@wordpress.com if anyone wants to chime in and i will appreciate any advice I get. Breakups are so hard.
Hi, Sassycole
I didn’t actually start the blog for this, but it’s evolved quite a bit over the year or so that I’ve been blogging. I’m glad that you started to blog as well. I think you’ll find that you’ll soon build a community of people you can trust for support and advice. I’m sorry that you’re in pain as well.
Meizac
Oh, Meizac, I ache for you. All of our paths are unique, so I don’t know if any of this relates to you at all. I was so desperate to be okay that I pretty much faked it for awhile. I could be okay as long as I walled off the most painful parts. Plus, I don’t think I could have handled fully feeling them in those earlier times. It worked for awhile and let me be strong enough to get through all of the legal mess. But it disn’t work forever. I eventually had to let myself feel the brunt of the betrayal and awfulness full force with no protection. It sucked and at times I felt like it would swallow me whole even as I was living a new life, but eventually it started to soften. Along with this, I also discovered some perspective on my ex which helped me to understand his choices (not condone!) and realize that I was collateral damage in his own internal war rather than his target.
Be patient with yourself. This stuff takes time. We’re thinking of you out here:)
You nailed it, stilllearning2b, with “I was so desperate to be okay that I pretty much faked it for awhile.” I’ve been faking it for a long while. For my kids’ sake and, I thought, for mine as well. Jeez, so much of what you’ve said here nails it.
Thank you.
I think sometimes we get so used to being strong that we forget how to simply feel. And, as I’ve learned, we can’t skip that step. I saw your newer post where you mentioned forgiveness. I know for me that was the final step. I had to face, feel and finally soften before I could even entertain the idea of forgiving.
Give those adorable kiddos a hug for me:)
“I think sometimes we get so used to being strong that we forget how to simply feel.”
Yes. That, right there.
Thank you for all your support through this. I can’t tell you what it means to me.
And consider the kids hugged on your behalf.
Good:) Be sure to give yourself a hug too!
L, it will take time. You guys haven’t been living separately very long… THAT distance will help. I ain’t gonna get all Zen guru on your ass… just sayin’ my X did a number on my self-esteem, on my image of myself, I thought I would NEVER trust again…. Hell, it took me a long long while.
Some days are worse than others. Some days, even now, I wake up feeling like I did way back then… dirty, alone, used, owned.
Remind yourself of the progress you have made. Remind yourself that you are human and it is gonna take time. Forgive yourself for feeling it…
Long Distance HUGS
THAM
I think I didn’t realize that living separately – him not being here to see me hurt – would make it all come out. I’ve been hiding it for so long, faking it for so long, because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction(?) of seeing me hurt. And, now, here it is. And it sucks.
Thanks for the hugs. I can’t tell you how much they’re needed (and we all know I’m not a hugger).
Pingback: I don’t know how to forgive | Meizac
((Hugs))
Thank you. I need ‘em.
I know you’re not a hugger but I’m giving you a big giant hug anyway and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Ferchrissakes, Weebs!! No hugging!!
Come here, you, you’re getting a BIG OL’ BEAR HUG, and maybe some nuggies.
Gawd dammit.
In fact, I’m going to call in a whole bunch of other people to pile up on you for a group hug. Yeah.
Watch it, Weebs. I’m WAY stronger than you.
Good point.
I know you feel like you have nobody to talk to about this, but didn’t you so just that? Sure, you didn’t share the details, but I think your anguish can be shared by those who have felt that same pain and humiliation.
Years ago an ex and I got into an argument while we we were on an interstate. We pulled over to a rest stop as I needed to use the bathroom. When I came back, he was gone. He left me there. I eventually made the 40+ miles home safely (without his help) but that wasn’t the point.
I was humiliated then, and was for a very long time after. I am no longer humiliated for a horrible thing someone else did to me. I was a victim of someone else’s cruelty, and there is no shame in that.
I hope you find that same peace, M.
What the fucking fuck!?
Right?
I’m beginning to realize why I’m not a huge fan of dating…
Okay, Jen, THAT’S nuts. And thank you for your support. Yes, that’s what this blog is for…so that I can get things off my chest and put them out there, no matter how painful it might be.
Dear friend,
The pain. The relentless erosion of the spirit. I can’t tell you when it stops or how to make it better. I suck large at healing. All I know is when the time comes when I do heal from something, peace floods in. Well, as much flooding as the cracks in my neurosis allow.
It might not ever be completely painless, because a very bad thing happened to you. But I believe that at some point you won’t be shackled by it. On your own terms, in your own time. It’s the only way that anyone can properly grieve and heal. Be patient with yourself, loved one.
Thank you, Sara. I’m going to work hard on healing. But I will be patient at the same time.
Meizac,
Glad you decided to go with the FP nod…
Love my friend,
Le Clown
Thank you, Le Clown.
Much love right back.’
Meizac
Thank you for sharing, it takes alot of courage to put yourself out there like this…no one can never really understand your pain, but I hope the best for you!
Thank you very much, dbflex31. I appreciate that you took the time to comment.
Wow. I can feel the pain through your words, and I am someone who has been through some pain, too — also inflicted by an ex. In fact, his blindsiding betrayal was the inspiration for my very first blog post, and I have used the venue afforded by my blog to occasionally work through some of the issues as they arose. I can tell you one thing: When you feel you have no one to talk to, writing does help…so definitely keep at it!
It’s so much harder when children are involved. So many people compare a divorce to death, but it’s not death — it’s far more difficult. Because in death, the body goes away, and the only thing to “haunt” you are memories. But in divorce, especially with kids, your paths will cross constantly. Necessarily, for the sake of the children. And every time you see him, you’re reminded of the betrayal, the insecurities they’ve inspired in you, the ugliness of your now-relationship, the constant struggle. I can relate — I have two kids of my own, and my path crosses CONSTANTLY with my ex and the woman who helped to lure him away from my marriage. In fact, they’re now married, the courts in our state award 50/50 joint physical custody as the norm, and my kids live with him and with her half the time. Awesome.
Keep writing. Keep feeling. And do know that as trite as it sounds, time does heal. I’m living proof: Five years later, I’m in a successful relationship. I never thought I’d remarry — EVER — because I didn’t trust that I could ever feel safe in a relationship again. But here I am. When it’s right, you’ll know it. Please trust me.
And take care of you!
Hi, Mikalee
I didn’t start blogging for this reason, but I have found that it’s been helpful for this. I have a much easier time writing things out than talking about them with others. Writing has always been a great release for me.
And I think you’re right that divorce, in a way, is worse than death. You have to say goodbye to something you (thought) you had, but the person never actually goes away. With children involved, they never really can.
I’m so very sorry to hear about your own experience. I wish none of us had to deal with this kind of pain and betrayal.
I will do my best to trust in what you’ve said. Right now, I can’t imagine trusting or giving myself over to someone like that again. But I will trust that what you say is true.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
Meizac
Mikalee, you are so right in juxtaposing divorce and death. Death is much easier to handle and I speak first hand.
With all due respect, a man hurt you. He lied to you and cheated on you.
This has happened to many of us, and we move on. I had a new boyfriend — yes, a rebound — three weeks after my cheating husband walked out of our marriage, (no kids.) His humor, generosity and appreciation of me showed me what an insane waste of energy I’d spent “working” on a marriage single-handedly and how much more more I could enjoy my new life with other people, new friends and new partners. I was single/divorced from 1995 to 2000, (ages 37 to 42), when I met the man I am now married to — and while the first few years were, indeed, extremely painful, I grew up, got stronger and realized what utter bullshit I’d been putting up with for years.
Wallowing in misery will not move you and your children forward. You are giving this man a tremendous amount of undeserved power over your life — seven years later. Why? What satisfaction is this actually giving you? That’s a serious question, not a cruel one, although some may think it so. Focusing your attention on this old harm and hurt certainly shields you from trying another relationship of trust and intimacy, but what a sad thing if that is so. Life is too short to nurse that much anger and bitterness.
Been there, did it, glad not to be there any longer. I wish you and your children the strength to put this garbage behind you for good, where it belongs.
Hi, broadsideblog
I struggled with your comment. I still do. I think you’re trying a tough love kind of approach, but it comes across as very harsh and condescending. I’m not sure you intended that.
With all due respect, I have not been wallowing for seven years and I am not nursing anger or bitterness. There is no anger or bitterness toward him. There is only pain. In actuality, it’s only in the last few months that I’ve had the opportunity(?) to allow myself to really feel the full force of the pain, so that I can work on moving on.
Each of our experiences and approaches toward healing are very different. Yours seems to have worked for you. It remains to be seen what will work for me, but it is my process all the same.
Thank you for your comments. Regardless of the intent behind them, I do appreciate that you took the time to comment.
Meizac
Wow, I really wish I could say something that might help, or at least something that doesn’t involve and expletive, but unfortunately I can’t. What I do want to say though is that you sounds like a strong person who has got this far and will continue to be strong.
Thank you, thetraveller. I appreciate you stopping by to lend your support.
I’m probably the only guy who’ll reply here, but I wanted to add something to the conversation since I’m hurting myself, and have been for a long time.
There’s a school of thought that says that the reason we suffer is because we try to control things that we cannot control.
Keeping that in mind has helped me. Every time I start to dwell on something that causes me to regurgitate the hurt, I ask myself, “Can I even do anything about this?” If the answer is no, I desperately try to put it out of my mind and move on.
Congratulations on being awarded Freshly_Pressed. It is quite an honor.
Keith
Hi, Keith
Well, you may have been the first guy, but you’re not the only one.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been hurting as well. Your comment about the reason we suffer is relevant to me. I haven’t allowed myself to feel the full force of the pain, because he was still living here and I was trying to control my feelings and the situation. I am now in a place where I can allow myself to feel the pain and move on from it.
Thank you for stopping by,
Meizac
Keith, you are not the only guy and hurting. The thing is most of us keep silent. The fact of the matter is that some women can be just as relentless as some men. Even so I think it great that Meizac had the boldness to be somewhat transparent. We men could take a lesson from her because if we are honest we can say that we also wet our pillows sometimes with tears.
I think what someone alluded to up above rings true…you don’t have to heal on a schedule, don’t have to face the feelings now if you’re not able. For my part, I went through a period of attempted denial after an abusive relationship (everything but the kitchen sink, that guy) where I decided I’d just forget it all and move on…because that’s what I needed at the time. I couldn’t have dealt if I’d wanted to.
So then came a period of years and it all resurfaced and I did deal with it because it was time to deal with it. I was ready. And one day, you will be ready, too. Until then, cry when you feel like crying, and if it lasts all day with no fix in sight that’s okay. And if tomorrow you want to say “F*** this, I’m having fun if that’s all I do today!” and take Z and M for a fun day anywhere, you just go ahead and allow yourself to put the shit on the shelf for a day and have some fun. There can be light in the midst of a darkened time. It WILL get better.
Thank you, runoffwriter, for your thoughtful comments. I think you’re right that – for a variety of reasons – I just forgot it and tried to move on. I had kids to deal with, things to do. I didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with the pain. And I love your second paragraph. Thank you for that.
Meizac
I’m in the same boat. Divorce isn’t even final yet and there are several trailing emotions to deal with. I have a son and daughter as well, my son misses him dearly and it shows in how he doesn’t want to get up in the mornings for school. PMS is so much worse, any little thing can set me off. This morning I started crying because a fire truck screamed passed, my son asked “Where are they going?” I said someone is in trouble and they need help – Niagra Falls commenced down my face. My ex was not a fire fighter, not even close, but the image conjured up feelings of loss, horror, and sadness.
The best advice I can give is to give yourself time. Carve out time each day or week for you. Take a walk. Get a massage. Read. Cook. Watch a movie. Whatever helps relax and distract you from the cluster-f of crap going on. It will be there when you get back, don’t worry.
Hugs from Texas
Thank you, midnitechef, for sharing your own experience. Although it’s been seven years since he hurt me, he only finally moved out of the house this past August. This, obviously, makes a lot of things resurface, then there’s the kids’ feelings to deal with. It’s been rough. And you’re right, I need to start getting comfortable doing things for myself and alone.
Hugs back (and I’m not a hugger),
Meizac
The pain and humiliation become the steel of forgiveness when you open to the positive future. After ten years, repeated court appearances and lies too many to remember, I cut the past loose to float off into the ether. Forgiveness wasn’t easy but it did save my sanity and let me get on with living. Also, focus on the children you are raising and remember you are their best example for the people they become. Best wishes for a speedy recovery and a happy new year.
Thank you, Kris, for your thoughtfulness in your comments. You’re right that I need to forgive. Maybe not him, exactly. Maybe myself, in a way, for not dealing with this earlier and better. I don’t know if that makes sense.
One day, it will no longer hurt. I lived in constant expectation of the joy to take over and, eventually, it did. Joy took over, it took root, it flourishes now, so many, many years later. Don’t look back, and don’t look too far forward because you’ll scare yourself. All the very best to you!
Thank you, Margarita, for giving me hope. I do know that things will get better. It’s just difficult to see that sometimes.
Meizac
Don’t you have to hurt before you can move on?
I think you do, yes.
Hope you still are not hurting as much and have a pleasant day today! http://www.segmation.com
Isnt it amazing how so many have the same story! God made us women to give of ourselves and it makes us very vulnerable. How often we give and give and give, never getting anything in return until we are so overdrawn that there is no longer any feeling left! It is a devastating place to be! How does one recover from such a huge deficit? It is like the national debt! Can it even begin to get better?!
The answer is not simple at all! Each of us is different and we all require different things or ways that allow us to heal. That being said, I wholeheartedly agree with Renee with her thoughts on forgiveness! Unforgiveness only keeps you in bondage and depleted of all ability to recover what you have lost! Unforgiveness gives that other person control over you even though they are no longer in that position! Unforgiveness will keep you chained and bound in the prison of pain forever!
How does one learn to forgive? Once again it is different for each person. As a christian when was learning the power of forgiveness I had to sing a song every time I found myself going over the past! Every time I started letting my thoughts get consumed with what the other person had done and said, I would start singing. It took months but as I purposed it in my heart, it got better and better!
I once heard the following, The past is but a painting on the wall. We choose to leave it up and continue to look at it and allow it to stay in our lives. Take it down, throw it away, walk away and replace it with a new canvas and start painting a new picture!
As long as your ex feels he can hurt you with what he says, he WILL continue to do so! Let it slide off your back! I know it hard but think about it, who in the HELL cares what he thinks or says?! He is a dickhead and nobody who is anybody important to you cares what he thinks! He doesnt want you to succeed! Beat him by succeeding!! Let him say what he wants and when you have achieved all that he would never allow you to, you will be in the place of victory!
It is all a mindset! Set some goals for YOURSELF and go get them and dont let him get in your way! He is just a roadblock, go around! Dont let him get in your way or stop you!
Sorry for the length of this. But because of him you have two of the most amazing children ever. Not that I know them but I do know that I would not want to live without my two monchers and they are amazing! So say thank you for giving me the two most important things in my life.
YOU are in control, take those controls!
Wow, allthewaydoc. I don’t know that anything I say to this can do your response justice. Thank you for your support and encouragement. And, you’re right, as much as my experience with him hurts, I do not regret it (I’ve also written about this). I can’t regret it, because I have Z and M, and – as cliche as it may sound – they truly are the best things that have ever happened in my life.
I’m sure I will come back to your comment many more times to let all that you’ve said really sink in.
Thank you,
Meizac
Your words are well thought out and correct. Forgiveness is nothing more than holding a thing against a person no more forever yet, I believe, is something that needs to be sought by the offending party. But that does not mean that the pain will dissipate. That is a matter of time and realization of wrongs imposed are not the fault of the offended.
And, you should also know that not all men seek to hurt. I am one that would not and could not. Unfortunately the society we live in teaches that all men have the propensity to harm rather or not they ever had. But, be of good cheer, gentlemen seek to love as Christ did.
I have to say that I have found true forgiveness takes ALL the pain away! Think of Christ on the cross, forgive them Father for they know not what they do!
I gave ten years of my life away to someone who did nothing but try and bring me down. After those years I was not even a shell of who I had been before him! But because I had already worked through the forgiveness thing with some of his family members a few years before I was able to walk away without the years of pain piled up on my shoulders! BUT what allowed me to do that was not only forgiving him but forgiving myself for being stupid enough to get involved with him in the first place.
People always asked me why I married him and how I stayed with him. Thinking through it I learned that I had to take responsibility for my part in being in the relationship to begin with. He didnt change. My desire for a knight in shining armor, the fairy tale prince was greater than the faults that I saw in him. He was always the pig, I just put him in prince clothing! Then over the years when he soiled the clothes so bad and I was unable to see him as the prince any more but now only as the pig, I was hurt by who he was and how he treated me! But it was still my fault for putting a pig in princes clothing! Once I accepted my responsibility then it became way easier to forgive myself and him!
I can honestly say that the only time he hurts me now is when he hurts Emma or Zac! Which unfortunately he does often. It is hard as a mother to see your beloved children hurt by someone they love. Outside of that, I just see him as the pig that he is
and nobody cares what a pig says or thinks!
You probably don’t want to hear from a male but I often ask the same question in a different way. I will spare considerable detail here but I still wonder why I am even divorced. I did not want it, did not deserve it and did all I could do to stop it. I can not say that I do not still love my former wife because I still do. Yet I do not love her as a wife. And for me it has also been more than seven years. So, I try not to think about the hurt, pain and lies.
I don’t know that there is an answer to the question. All I know is that God has kept me despite those who have come against me the many fallacies. I barely escaped with my good name. But mourning is different for everyone. So if you must mourn please do so. Just remember when its time to take off the sackcloth take it off and go on with your life lest you live in a perpetual state of mourning.
Besides, know that you are loved by God and He will never divorce you.
http://thechristianperspective.intuitwebsites.com/
No, no, preachercarter, thank you very much for responding. Your comments moved me to tears, actually. I don’t know what else to say, except to thank you.
Meizac
Hey, it will be 10 years for me in January. Guys seem to leave around the holidays just when emotions are high.
Anyway, I hate to tell you that I’m not sure it ever stops hurting. It definitely lessens (thank God) but as my long-divorced elderly neighbour said to me when my husband left “it’s a cut that never heals.” I think she was right, at least in the case when a decision to separate is not mutual.
The hurt/pain/memories sneak in at both predictable and unpredictable times. It still affects my relationship and the choices I make with my new partner. It’s a life changer, but it can lead to good things despite it all. I’ve learned it’s part of my story, but I no longer identify it as the plot.
It’s interesting to me that you’re seven years out and purging your pain. I did the same thing at the same place in the post-separation time-line by way of writing. I think I got it out of my system and have been able to move so far beyond where I was. I hope you experience the same.
There’s awesomeness out there, starting with our kids. The hurt may never completely disappear, but I assure you things will get better. And this is coming from a woman involved in the most acrimonious divorce ever!
I don’t know what to say to this, denmother, except to thank you for sharing some of your experience and offering some encouragement.
Meizac
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As with everything in life, there is no time limit on healing. Making drastic changes in your life means every day is a new day where we may have to go through the same process we went through yesterday. You are adjusting to a new normal and it has many, many layers.
This has affected now only who you are, but how you think. While we may question life around us in general, when we also question ourselves and our reactions we are dealing with a highway we’ve never been on. We are afraid to trust our reactions and emotions.
Be good to yourself and be gentle with your patience. You have spoken out to a lot of people and this is good. Know you will get through this.
x
Thank you so much, iRuniBreathe, for this. Your support and thoughtfulness in what you’ve said is greatly appreciated and needed.
Meizac
Wow, thank you for sharing this with us. It was very moving to read. I don’t know what to say. Have you ever looked at the work of Byron Katie? You can check her stuff out on http://www.thework.com. It’s very good for helping to accept the painful.
Blessings to you.
Hi, Pol
Thank you for your comment. I haven’t looked at her work, but I will.
Meizac
Betrayal by those closest… that is hard thing to take. You are someone with an amazing capacity to love and feel, of course that betrayal will still hurt. But you will heal. You will. It sucks now, but it won’t always be so.
Thank you, Speaker7. I appreciate your kind words and I know you’re right. Tell Hugo I say, “hello.”
When dealing with pain so traumatic it seems like time stops still. I have been through the same traumatic experience. I came to a realization that I have to forgive myself first. I have always said that it was not my fault that it was his and that I am hurt cause of him. But in reality I also have to admit that I have negelected myself and how much I need to value myself. I learned to stop saying how much it hurt but forgive myself for putting myself in that predicament. The moments will be there wether it be regret or anger. The more open you are to yourself on what makes you cry about the situation the most. You have to understand what are you most sad about. I dont know if I am making sense but I wish you luck. Hollidays are always the toughest so keep family and friends close.
I think you’re making sense, CurryKraze, and I appreciate your words. I definitely have to be more open with myself; more willing to feel things that I’ve been afraid of. That’s the only way through the pain, I think.
Thank you.
Meizac
Reblogged this on MetaRead360 Small Press presents and commented:
NOTE: A real heart-tugger!
I could feel your pain through your words. *hug* I am not married nor do I have kids but I do know about being hurt and hurting and having that hurt affect everything else in your life and I’d just like to say thank you for being brave and honest and sharing this most private hell with us.
Forgiveness is something we commit to do everyday. Some days will be good and some days will be bad. Somethings might only need a day or two and other things…a lifetime. But it’s something you work at for yourself more than the other person because hurt like that can make us bitter.
Take your time. You have to feel it to begin healing it.
I don’t know how you did that, vernette, but you just said exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you.
The Universe/God always sends somebody. You’re welcome.
You’ve just given me hope. Both of my family and my best friend’s family went through something similar, and the only emotion I saw anybody express was anger, deflecting the pain away from themselves, me included. None of us really said we were hurting, just tried to keep a happy face. It gives me hope that you can be hurt so bad, but have the courage to own it and tell it. Thank you so much for the bravery
I’m happy, hickeyj, that this post was helpful to you. I’m sorry to hear, though, that your and your best friend’s family have been dealing with similar things. For a long time, I couldn’t allow myself to feel the full force of the pain. I think I’m ready now, so that I can move on.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Meizac
I don’t even know what to say, because I also ask myself the same question everyday, I can relate with the feelings you’re going through. All I can say I guess is stay strong no matter how hard it is, and there’s always the hope of tomorrow, nothing last forever, these hard times shall pass.
Thank you so much for this.
I don’t know you or your story. This is the first post of yours I have read, but my heart hurt for you as I read it. I hope you continue to work through this and embrace your writing as a soothing balm to your pain. When you feel like you can’t find someone to listen or don’t want to reach out to someone physically, know that even a complete stranger such as myself will read your thoughts and be supporting you in spirit. In the short time I’ve been a part of it, I have learned that this blogging world is an amazing place with so many good hearted and supportive people.
You are absolutely correct, littlemisswordy, about this blogging world. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I really appreciate it.
Meizac
Reblogged this on and commented:
Divorce, is a life altering experience. I personally went through one and can totally relate to Meizac’s recent blog on “why does it still have to hurt so much’. However, unlike her, I had no children involved and chose to reclaim my sanity a few months after the initial separation. Divorce to me felt like a new lease in life and I felt empowered by the experience. Meizac, has alot of pain to overcome but she will find her strength someday. Finding your strength, takes alot of self realization and brutal honesty about yourself. She has the ability to reach that level, after all, she is going to be Doctor mommy, a test of strength already won.
Are you going through a divorce or have been through one? Come aboard and share with us. I will gladly listen if no one else does.
Natasha
Mezeic,
I think perhaps it still hurts because he is still hurting you. You still have to see him, and it sounds like he is emotionally abusive and violating at those times in a way you can’t yet protect yourself from. Things get a lot better when you have the tools to stop that from happening. In other words, when the hurt is in the past, and not something continuing on into the present, the hurt also begins to lessen. It is not all in the past yet.
You make an excellent point, ashanam. If I could not see him again, not constantly be reminded in one way or another, I think it would be easier.
Thank you for your comment.
Meizac
Ah, but you will. So, I think you’ll need to learn strategies for dealing with him. He sounds like a special person who needs special techniques.
Indeed, ashanam. Indeed.
Hey there, I went through a harsh breakup with a person from my past. Yes, indeed forgiveness was so painful. I no longer love him but I could not accept how he could have betrayed and hurt me so much. It was a tough moment. Its been 2 years now since the breakup but i am just getting the hang of letting it go bits and pieces.
Its hard because each time I would remember the memories of being with him for 6 years.
Moving on is never easy. I started it off with some dance classes to get off my mind.
I realised that it wasn’t because of the dance that made me forget bit by bit. it was because I started loving myself.
I wish you much love from here and hope that you will continue to persevere this journey.
Lots of hugs from here…
Fatin Syairah.
“I no longer love him but I could not accept how he could have betrayed and hurt me so much.”
Yes. That, right there.
And you’re right that I need to start loving myself.
Thank you for commenting, Fatin. I appreciate your thoughtful words.
Meizac
Sorry to hear about what you are going through.
always light a hope candle in heart, good luck
It hurts because you have been really hurt. It still hurts because you are good-hearted and you are being healed. I believe that it will begin to stop hurting, and it occurs slowly, when you let go of what you are holding in – give it to God – and begin to trust more fully in God. I am so very sorry that this has happened. Work to grow very close to God – very close to God.
Thank you, Francis, for your kind words. I will work one healing.
I am a child of a divorced family. I was four or five and it’s been nigh 35 years and it still affects us to some degree. Both of my parents have remarried. I have step-siblings on one side and adopted siblings on the other. My mother moved on long ago; my father, not so much. Our relationship has never been great and now that I’m married, with a wife and children of my own, I find my relationship with him going through even more turbulence than ever before. Distance is a factor, our relationship due to different beliefs, opinions and outlook another, but mostly that he cannot move on, he cannot forgive, he cannot forget and instead of trying to work through things, he shuts down.
Some friends of ours are getting ready to go through a divorce right now. No matter how much you try to prepare, no matter how much you try to teach and encourage, whether you completely shut off one spouse from the child or have the best co-relational upbringing for the child, that child and the relationship between the child and one or both parents will never be great.
Why does it hurt so much? As someone who believes in Christ, who believes in the Christian faith, the Bible; God hates divorce. It isn’t what was meant to happen. There is a reason the Bible says two become one. Marriage isn’t just some legal or religious agreement and a document. Something deeper happens between two souls that begins to reshape both of them. Separate that through divorce and you rip them apart in such a way that they cannot properly heal except, potentially by the hand of God – because He does allow exceptions.
Turn to Him. Don’t expect things to happen overnight or in several years. Some things take time.
It seems to me that my father is still stuck in the past concerning my mother and the divorce. I suspect he still harbors some deep feeling for her, no matter how much venom he still spews. It’s clear he never got it, he never understood or willing to admit he was at fault. Meanwhile all my mother feels is pity, but she found Christ after the divorce, while my father evidently has slid over the years from agnostic to atheist, all the while railing against Christianity and religion. Ironic that my brother came to Christ in that home through no participatory effort by me. Divorce rips apart. It is unnatural.
Interestingly, the friends who’re getting divorced; she’s reconnected with her first husband. They’ll no doubt get remarried eventually, she and her first husband that is.
As soon as I click “enter” this post will be in the past and there is nothing I can do about it except write a new one….
When night is darkest the morning is near…
Wow. This is a powerful post Meizac and I feel your pain. Alot of people will gain the strength they need from reading your post. I think its a human attriubute to avoid confronting pain because it hurts so much. However, once we confront our pain we begin to build strength from it. You learn how to analyze future situations better. You take away other people’s advantage of being able to predict your actions. Thats the hidden advantage of pain. I think you are a hell of a person to be able to endure the humiliation you’ve been through and be able to talk about it. Hopefully you will be able to smile alot more in the future!
Thank you, urbanschola. “Once we confront our pain, we begin to build strength from it.” I think you’re right. It’s time to really confront it.
Meizac
My friend… This was painful to read, but even more so your pain came through to embrace. The cycle of pain especially when you want to just go past.. you see no choice. The constant place you continually place yourself is pain! When we can’t forgive ourselves we cannot forgive anyone else. You see inside all of the pain is the fear of letting go of the pain for you don’t know who you would be without the pain. Or to embrace the pain you feel will be the end of you! It is a step, yet we oscillate between making this choice or running from the choice. I can only hope you see the energy in both and decide which is best for you. There is one thing I can leave you with… How much pain will you drink before it kills him? Again I am asking you how much pain will you endure, and consume before it makes him pay for what he did with his life? Is his paying any price for it or are you and if so how much do you pay for it a day? I am stating this with love.. for it is love inside that pain you can embrace when this finds this inside you! It is a voice sometimes whisper inside you, it can be heard in there! I promise I have been in beyond pain, It took my existence it was supposed to! CK
Thank you, Clark Kent. I needed to read this. And you’re right, I have to decide how to confront the pain…for myself.
Meizac
I will leave you with this… I want to explain this and you don’t have to place it here.. but embrace it for what it is! In birth the human connection to the knowing is you. You experience this inside the womb to the first light you experience in breathing. Your screams as the pleasure cycle of being. From this point forward you are given teachings, it is stated to use your mind as a survival tool as you become 6 months old or more. This tragic thing happens when you have pain and someone makes it about what is outside you! You never remove survival in the mind which separates you from yourself, the mind is a content device. Your connection in knowing. Knowing can be Qi, Consciousness, etc. When you make good/bad, positive/negative, your place of being the mind then takes itself into form EGO (living outside yourself), You are then in a thought system of experiences which have fear/non fear. This removes the abilities birthed into knowing. Knowing is the greater intelligence that does all things your heart beat, blood flow, the lungs generating the flow of love throughout to create the illusion that some call life others call existence. You see your existence is in place outside yourself and never inside yourself. No teachings except meditation, living outside technology, human interaction etc., it can not place you inside yourself as depending on experiences in existence you will either elect to pay attention to your inner capacity of greater intelligence to flow in to knowing in addition you can elect to then have the ability to not live in the mind and outside yourself. The I AM in you is knowing that now witnesses your thoughts and the minds catalogs that are fed there! (yes the thought system is a catalog of the mind.) It listens to the minds repetitive statements in catalog the thought system makes as it has completely placed thoughts into form of past or future. It will hold onto content as though it is alive and keeping you from annihilation. Then fear is in thought to make it so you keep this fear and make time into an enemy. The thought system is the catalog the mind uses to access time to keep you from knowing. You access it in illness, in pain, in disconnection to yourself which enables never connecting to others! This in which will live on outside you in the existence you now have as an illusion. Removed is the ability to embrace knowing(connection to yourself inside.) You can’t even see the choice due to the mind noise the thought system creates. It is truly a choice to venture out into the universe inside you. As you meditate you can experience the open door when you clear it by focusing on your presence. You pay attention to knowing, you give knowing the key to all things. It pays attention to the heartbeat, the lungs filling with air, the experience of all things in connection. No good/bad, positive/negative. You embrace all forms of being! Being is the fuel for this physical existence connected in line with your soul (the light). The mind will create a place where this is non acceptance with beliefs in science, with beliefs in other cataloged forms, that to make this choice would mean the end of the mind and it’s catalog. This is a threat to the thoughts system and will create alternate paths to remove this experience because it fears removal. You don’t need to remove this. You just allow the back room content of the mind to be witnessed in your knowing without giving it value or action. You are able to heal in all things, you don’t make birth a celebration, you no longer make death a consequence with grief. Your knowing see’s a door to a hallway to the other door in the experience(birth through death). Each door brings light. In darkness the thoughts will be, yet as you witness you can bring them into the light and be at one with the stream inside you. You can utilize the energy of knowing to heal all the incredible things inside you within magnificence! You have no need for the minds ability to create disease and disconnect you from your being inside. Does this make sense? I make no mind of sharing, I make love in connection, I did so in myself to heal and this information is free of noise. It is only inside to where I can point in anything and anyway. A tree gets disease, it gets sick, it has days of shear tragedy the mind would say. Yet it withstands in it and makes it beautiful. Is a tree alive? Does it live through thought? Again you are the tree you have roots which is the mind, it just doesn’t hold content! I didn’t see your email, so I am placing this here. copy and paste in a notepad or word somewhere. Then remove, This wall is amazing with love of those that felt your pain. I am leaving this with you to open doors inside you to hear yourself without those painful places inside you!
with love! CK
The pain you feel is heart breaking, how i wish i could give you the answers you seek, maybe then you will be able to move on, maybe then the pain will subside, maybe i could tell you it will get less painful, that it will become easier, but the truth is it never really completely goes away, we just learn to live through it. With time though you shall become more tolerant of the pain
Thank you, abichica.
Meizac
Hey, Thank you for sharing your post with us. It is sad what you are feeling and the constant wondering of when it will end must be very difficult. I cannot pretend to know what you are going through but I think with moving forward forgiveness is encountered on that path. But perhaps even before that acceptance and hope is needed first. I really hope with time you are healed xx
Acceptance, hope and forgiveness, Flying High in Heels. You’re right.
There are 2 ways of dealing with that:
1-forget about him at all and make your life the way you want it to.
2-remember the good times with him (if there were any) and try to forgive-you’d feel better eventually.
I know it sounds strange but to forgive him may actually be the key. I know it hurts but there’s pain everywhere even in our daily situations sometimes but I also happen to think that you are the one that actually makes too much of a big deal from that.
Look for your happiness and do what makes you happy. Start all over your life and build it the way YOU and ONLY YOU want it. Don’t let others mess up your life.
Remember that these things happen sometimes (sadly) but you also gain something as well as losing-see what you personally can gain from the situation and make the best of it . I hope it’ll work out for you
Learning to let go is one of the hardest thing you will ever do. Forgiveness is paramount to complete healing. Forgiving him and yourself. I said yourself too, because somehow we carry the blame in our hearts for letting such things happen. We can’t get over it, the pain, disappointments. lost dreams, and time wasted, but learning to let go is the link that will guide you into the future. No one can tell you how long it will take, it’s different for everybody. Being a divorcee myself, I have been here, but I learned that, I either learn to create my happiness, or let others define it for me. I can tell you, I cried many times, but that is also part of the healing process. Just don’t stay there. Pick yourself up and look forward. You can be happy, living a full life again, you just have to be willing to try. I had a conversation not long ago, and I was told that when you say someone else hurt you, you have already given the other person the power over you. Does he deserve it? You can take it back. People do stupid things, use people’s heart like it’s a toy, taking trust and stomping it in the dirt, and then, hand it back to you, for you to clean up. No matter what he did, or done, you have the right to be happy and even one day love again. Don’t let him steal your joy, he doesn’t deserve that. I pray that like a wind of fresh air, happiness comes your way, One day the tears will stop, or less frequent, but you will make it, stronger, wiser, than before. Keep your head up and be blessed.
Thank you for your thoughtful words, kokwudibonye.
I don’t know why? Maybe because we’re a bundle of nerves and when in pain mentally or physically, it just hurts. But, with that person you once loved, that person who still hurts you, it’s a heavy pain, kind of frays the nerves. Writing, just like this, I’ve found, is the only way to release it little by little.
Thank you, bravesmartbold. You are right about the weight of the pain.
Meizac
I don’t know about the ‘when’…but I deal with this pain by accepting the fact that there is a hole in my heart, and I say, “Ok, I am not depressed, this is me Feeling depressed. This is me feeling lonely, hurt, abused…” I acknowledge my pain. And somehow after a while the intensity reduces, detaching myself from the emotion actually helps! Detaching myself from Me helps.
There’s so much goodness waiting in the world…waiting at our doorsteps, it can’t come in until we allow it!
Dunno if it’ll help you, but it’s worth a shot
Thanks for your honesty…T C.. biiiig biiig hug!
Single Again
Thank you, foroneplease. Yes, acknowledging my feelings, really feeling my feelings is the place to start.
Meizac
Let it go! Let it go!
I just posted a blog on this ,I hope that will help understand and answer your questions. Also, you can find how to get rid of it.
I just want you to know that you can call me anytime. I will come have tea with you and just listen. When a friend is hurting you never get to the point of enough is enough! If you need an ear or a shoulder to cy on I will be there if you need me. You should not have to go through any of this alone. <3
Thank you. Part of it, as I’m sure you know about me by now, is getting used to asking for help.
The hurt hasn’t stopped for me. I wish it does and I wish I could take it all away. I don’t blame myself…not at all. He made a mess of me and it was totally his fault. I wish love and happiness in his life, but it’s so hard not wanting to do something foolish I will later regret. One day at a time, I guess…
I’m with you on that, Torrence.
Meizac
Pingback: Why does it still have to hurt so much? « I Hate Myself For 'Loving' You
Dear Meizac,
I was reading accidentally this post of Yours and I am sending to You my sympathy and hope You don’t give up and have power to do things which many of Your followers recommended to You as I am sure they have been through something similar and many suggestions are very wise.
I also have been through some kind of Your story, but from the position of a child. I strongly strongly agree with kokwudibonye – You must forgive Yourself and You must forgive him – this is the hardest thing to do and nobody expects you to do it immediately. It might help You(I am sure it will) to read “change your life in 7 days by Paul mcKenna” as it helped my mother back in time and helps me now(I am married) and I keep it on my bedside table and re-read lines to remind myself some obvious truths. On the other side, – You know there can be lots of hours spend on philosophical talks about the “cures” and “remedies” for the pain. I say “bullshit”(pardon my french). I know that every person is individual and what works for one- does not necessary work for the another. The target might be similar – but its Your decision to chose the path to succeed. There is so much I wish to tell You, but I will try to keep it short and to the point. From my point of view – simple facts – hope they won’t sound too cruel, just realize them and make up Your mind:
1) You must realize that life is too short and i don’t want to exaggerate but it is extremely short. Few years – your skin gets older, muscles weaker, children older. You will never be same like today. So enjoy it while you have it – not when it will be gone or when You will desperately try to bring it back. It will be to late and You know it right now.
2) Who-ever(what-ever) gave You your life – definitely gave it with other purpose than feeling pain, guilt or unhappiness or any negative emotions. You are here only to be happy – if You are not – the alarm must ring – change something. Dont’ just think it – GO and DO. For example, this little trick:
>Look at people surrounding You – somebody makes Your day happier – stick to these people. They will give You energy and power to make those vital changes to Your life!
A person makes You unhappy/worried/nervous/brings trouble – just drop this person out of Your life – You don’t need them. Keep tuned on positive people only.
3)If You will not solve Your problems, Your children will have to. They absorb everything – even when You are not telling them, there is just a strong bond between parent&child. They will struggle with something You left unfinished – so for the sake of their life – solve Your issues and be happy. Seeing somebody You love being unhappy is very traumatizing.
4) Power of attraction: You feel sad/negative/pain – You attract same people. Want to find somebody who will bring happiness into Your life – think HAPPY!
5) You can’t blame anybody for Your unhappiness. I understand – somebody hurt You – I know how it feels – but don’t let it rule Your life. Either it concurs You or You defeat it. Only YOU, yes, just You are responsible for Your life, for Your destiny and Your state of mind – so You do modify the world around You starting from Yourself.
Sometimes I felt that people in such situations must get so-called “powerful motivation kick straight into their posterior” rather than kind and delicate adjustments
Keep and keep trying and You will succeed. and I know You will – there is no other way. SO I hope there will be one day, when You proudly will say those two lines from “Invictus” poem:
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
As a retired family lawyer I read your post and most of the comments with interest. I note that it is only August that you and your ex actually separated although you say it is seven years since the split. The damage was done by living together as long as you did – doubtless there were very good reasons – but that false existence has caused deep damage and it is really only since August that you can begin the healing process. Even then you will tied together for the rest of your lives because of the children. Healing is a slow process but you must now look ahead.
Thank you, gooseyanne. I’ve no doubt that you’re correct in much of what you’ve said.
Meizac
I’m so sorry about what you are going through, it sounds so painful, and as for the question when does it stop hurting? I’ve asked that many times when you have that hurt you can’t seem to shed but I would say, as cliche as it sounds, time will eventually numb it maybe. The hurt will always be there, like a scar that hasn’t completely healed, because I don’t think time heals all wounds, but sometimes it’s better to even have that pain numbed so it isn’t as sharp. I wish the best going through this tough time!
Thank you, sarahnsh.
Meizac
Reblogged this on Oyia Brown.
Thanks for sharing your story. When I felt hurt a kind word from stranger or simple smile in recognition of my presence helped. I send to you a Ü
couple. Thanks again for sharing.
I don’t really know exactly what you are going through – been married almost 30 years, and if a divorce happened I would be the one causing the hurt because my character is not as strong as my husband’s. I have been hurt in other ways though and I have come to realize a few things for myself.
Lowering my opinion of someone does not mean I hate them.
Forgiveness does not mean trust and acceptance to the same degree as before the rift.
Not all relationships are worth trying to mend.
I know I felt stupid for trusting myself to someone and replayed incidences in my mind where if I changed something, maybe everything would have turned out different. But looking on things now I see the person as they really are, and know that no amount of work on my part would have changed them. I have let them go to be free to be the person someone else is willing to accept, with no real regret on my part.
Sometimes I think I have gotten callous in my attitude, but before I was too easily swayed by wanting someone to like me or think I was perfect.
I feel for you as you meet struggles that you may have felt you were passed.
Thank you, camdenstables.
“Lowering my opinion of someone does not mean I hate them.
Forgiveness does not mean trust and acceptance to the same degree as before the rift.
Not all relationships are worth trying to mend.”
THAT speaks to me.
Meizac
I can feel the immense pain that you are going through. Some years ago, I was coaching a woman who had been sent to a Nazi concentration camp with her family during WWII. She was the only one who survived. Since that time, she did not allow herself to live fully. She felt guilt and wondered why she, alone, was spared. I told her that although her grief was understandable, every day that she “punished” herself for having survived, was one more day that the people who did this to her were victorious. Until she took back her life, fully and completely, they would continue to be so. I say this to anyone who has experienced great trauma. What your husband did to you was terrible, but until you take your life back, fully and completely, he will continue to to win. Be a stand for other women who have experienced what you have. Take back your life and and set an example for others. You are far more powerful than you believe yourself to be.
Thank you, LitBL. I appreciate your words a great deal. “Take back your life and and set an example for others. You are far more powerful than you believe yourself to be.” I’m going to try to do exactly that.
Hi.. I don’t think I should say this and I don’t think it’s the best thing to do…but I pray that both of you forgive and forget about painful past.. I guest you need some space to go back to yourselves but I don’t mean to be separated…going to somewhere else you can relax, try to have time for vacation.. well just forget about my advise.. JUST KEEP HOPING that one day everything will gonna be alright..
I appreciate that you took the time to comment, My Last Pen, but…umm…no.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been going through this….
I went through something like this, I trusted him, I gave everything to him, he broke my heart and I’ve been in this depressed confused bubble ever since. I wake up everyday feeling distanced from the rest of the world, It’s been almost a year and since then I’ve found an amazing man but because my ex betrayed me I’m ruining my new relationship by not trusting and accusing even though I know he’s a good guy. I know I’m doing it but can’t seem to stop.
I feel nothing whatsoever for my ex, I’m just so angry that he could do that to me after all he promised and all I gave him. No amount of sorry’s could EVER fix it. I just can’t believe I’m still depressed, how one stupid little man could completely change the happy, trusting girl I was into this insecure depressed person. I go 2-3 days sometimes feeling ok but then this unbearable sadness takes over and I’m crying hysterically, feeling like there’s nothing I can do, no motivation. My now boyfriend wants me to go to counselling as he tried it and it worked, I’ve told all my friends and family and it also hasn’t worked to ease the pain so maby therapy is the best option, I’m going to start going asap.
Also, I’ve been taking up new hobbies which helps loads because it helps you to figure out who you are and was before that person tore you down. It’s like finding yourself again and building yourself back up again brick by brick.
I was so angry with myself for letting this person do this to me but as my mother said, He did the deed but I’m the one dragging it on and on, going over it in my mind. We can’t punish ourselves for others crimes against us, trusting someone isn’t a crime and falling into their lies doesn’t make us weak.
Good luck xxx
Thank you, dawndancers. “I trusted him, I gave everything to him, he broke my heart.” Yes, yes and yes. I don’t know that I’ve been depressed about it. Sad, angry, hurt, yes, but I’ve also not properly allowed myself to feel those things, because other things were more important. I’m feeling them now, and – from that – I will work on letting go of the pain.
I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. It sounds like you’re taking all the right steps for your own healing.
Meizac
I’m moving and I’m getting rid of documents. When I came upon my hefty divorce folder, it brought it all back for a few minutes. The anger. How incredibly cheap and selfish he was, and how destructive. But I have to say, karma has a way of coming around. He’s in a position now that I would rate close to the 7th rung of hell – a guy in his 60s with a baby and a toddler. Wouldn’t be my choice anyway. I don’t know if I have forgiven him or I just feel sorry for him.
Some of this hits quite close to home. I just wanted to say, I understand.
Thank you for offering your understanding. It helps both of us, I think, to know that others hurt too.
Meizac
My husband did the same. The most difficult were the three years leading to his admitting. He would look at me in the eyes and say “I would never do that to you”. When he finally did, my youngest child was very ill (we didn’t know why at the time). I think it took the focus off of my “mourning”. But I recall doing all that I could not to feel bad. I know this guy doesn’t deserve you. Although I don’t regret ever having been with him, because I can’t regret my own children, I am very happy not to be with him today. He was very selfish. You have to be selfish to do something like that. There is NO excuse to cheating and the pain that it causes to the victims (wife and children). I hope you find peace very soon.
Sheepinabasket, so much of what you’ve said here speaks to me. I didn’t focus on my grief or pain because I had an infant, then I thought we could fix it. When I realized it was over for good, I had an infant and a toddler. But, you’re right, I don’t regret any of it. And he is selfish. It took a long time for me to realize just how selfish.
I’m sorry to hear that you went through something similar.
Thank you for commenting,
Meizac
I haven’t been on WordPress for ages but I felt the need to check out the Freshly Pressed. The title of your post attracted me because I am a nurse. The post spoke to me because I’ve survived the demise of a marriage. I just hope that you realize how strong you are for even writing the post. What I’ll tell you about pain is that one day it won’t hurt anymore. No one can nail down a time or a date when that will be, but one day it will be better. You won’t see it coming and you won’t even realize it until it has happened. Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate post with all of us.
Thank you, annabanana, I really appreciate your words of support and encouragement. I’m trying to find the strength that so many people tell me I have, and I think blogging is helping with that. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Meizac
Asking for help is never easy, as humans our pride naturally gets in the way. However I commend you and am awestruck by your bravery, this post is deep and emotional and I understood it most importantly.
Thank you, Aphrotastic. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Absolutly no problem!
I understand how you feel. And I also absolutely understand how your kids feel because I was in that position before. Actually, I’m still in that position. The thing is what’ve been driving me all this time is my mother’s strength. I would never have this day commenting on WordPress if it hadn’t been my mother. She might not have much time for us 4 daughters and might be tough with us and, many times, had to deal with dad’s violence. But she taught us to be strong. I also know that my mother had some hard times standing up for us, and it was her strength and not giving up that raised us. Your strength will help your children grow up and they’ll appreciate it. They’ll see how hard you’ve been through and they’ll thank you for that.
Hi, iimpp
It took me a while to reply to your comment, because it made me a little emotional. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through what you’ve been through. My parents also put me through the wringer when I was a teenager, but I didn’t have a mother who was willing to help me get through it. I’m so happy that you do. And, because my own mother wasn’t able to do what needed to be done, I think it’s given me an even stronger resolve to make sure that I do what needs to be done to get Z and M through this.
Thank you so much for your comment.
Meizac
I link arms with you. Going through the same thing. The only way to move through it is to move through it. Right there with you.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through the same thing, Michelle. Move through it, we will.
Meizac
Forgiveness. Sooner or later, you have to forgive him for what he did and yourself for allowing yourself to spend so much of your life in pain because of him. My heart hurts for you.
Thank you for your comment, Ambro. You’re right. I have to work on forgiveness in some form or other.
Meizac,
This is very powerful and sad.
Until today I’ve only read your comments on various posts.
From the comment conversations I’ve seen I know this, you are loved.
I’m sorry for your pain and I’m sorry this is all I have to offer.
Red
Thank you, SocietyRed. What a very kind thing to say. I do have some wonderful, loving friends.
Meizac
oh dear… I know exactly what you mean…
I’m sorry to hear this, stephsoul.
Random person stopping by to say I have suffered a total shunning by my entire social group over a lie told by someone nobody knew, a completely betrayal of trust by the one person I was able to trust completely and build an intimate relationship after that, and a couple of other betrayals.
It’s been fifteen years since I was shunned. I still feel anger when I remember those people, but it’s the kind of general anger I feel when I think about starving children in Africa and the way corporations try to dodge responsibility for the effects they have on society. It doesn’t hurt anymore. It stopped hurting about six months ago.
It’s been eight years since I was betrayed by that person who meant so much to me. Last month, it stopped hurting.
I don’t know when it will stop hurting for you. I don’t know what kind of process you will have to go through, but I can tell you that it will probably stop hurting eventually because your brain is going to pick up all kinds of new information and eventually reach a point where the old information isn’t useful anymore. It might be gradual. It might feel like a switch got flipped. You’ll probably have several false switches where you think it’s over, but it comes back. Eventually, it will just be gone.
The best thing you can do is to fill your brain with the best information you can give it. Do things to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Expect others to treat you the way you want to be treated and don’t spend more than a fraction of your time around people who don’t treat you well. The kinder you are to yourself and the more kindness you get from others, the faster you will get to that point where it doesn’t hurt.
And don’t worry about trying to trust others completely before you are ready to. Just surround yourself with people who treat you well, treat them well, and the trust will develop without any effort. I may not trust my friends completely, but they have been my friends for a bit more than a decade and we know that our friendships aren’t in any danger of collapsing because we treat each other well most of the time and respond appropriately when we fail.
It doesn’t hurt forever. I hope that it doesn’t hurt long. Be good to yourself. Life will follow your example.
Thank you, riverstwilight, for sharing your story with me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. The ‘false switches’ bit is exactly what I think I’ve been going through. I thought I had dealt with it. Thought it was over. But it’s not. And I am doing so much better about surrounding myself with good people. Sometimes, I wonder how it is that I’ve been able to do that, but they are such good people. I am very lucky. And I will work on taking better care of myself.
Thank you, again, for sharing this with me.
Meizac
You’re welcome.
I found that my pain was less intense and lasted shorter periods of time when I stopped thinking it was gone for good. It didn’t blindside me because I could see it coming. Eventually, it got to a point where the old anniversaries and triggers just don’t bother me anymore.
Take care of yourself. You will get to a place where it doesn’t hurt
As long as you see him and have to converse with him, he’ll press your red hot buttons. And you will react, unless you program yourself not to. You need to find a way to stop reacting to him. If you do, he’ll register it (subconsciously) and stop saying or doing the things that he knows you are sensitive to. Break the pattern.
What helped me greatly under the same circumstances was EMDR with a hypnotherapist. Some things you just can’t resolve on your own or by simply talking about them. Google it and see if you can find a therapist near you if it appeals.
I agree that forgiving is one way of dealing with it to lessen the pain, but definitely also stop playing the victim. Yes, I am pointing a finger at you, but it’s a loving one.
I used to play the victim when I was still married until I read about co-dependency. When I stopped reacting to my husband’s coming home late without phoning me (I went cold turkey without telling him a word about what I’d read) he asked after one week if I was seeing someone else. Go figure. They get so used to the way we react and unfortunately they thrive on it.
The very worst for me was that after the divorce (my son was 7) I still needed to see and communicate with his dad for the next 12 years. All that time he played me and even after my son had left home his dad wanted to discuss with me a situation where he had noticed that my son was upset about something. I then wrote that I thought he was too old (19) to have his parents discuss such a thing. He wrote a lengthy rant that I did not respond to. Then he finally shut up. See?
Break the pattern. Good luck!
I am going through it right now and the pain is unbearable at times.
I don’t know if it will ever ‘not hurt’ – it just won’t hurt as frequently. At least, that is what I am hoping for. And I think that is okay – it doesn’t mean that other things aren’t okay or haven’t progressed; just means that it hurts when it comes back up. It is a devastating event – one of the worst things a person can go through. It changes a person forever.
Congratulations on Freshly Pressed!
Thank you for your comment, shaketheexcess, and for sharing your thoughts on what we’re going through. As much as I wish other people weren’t going through this, it’s also helpful to know we’re not alone.
Meizac
Hi,
I can feel your pain. I didn’t read any other comments so forgive me if this comment of mine would be similar to what others have already said to you.
You know? Something like this is really painful. But I believe we can do something about it. I have came upon the knowledge that the reason why people can’t be happy in the present (and can’t move on from pain) is because they’re too much focused on the past, as well as the future. In numbers, it’s 80% past and 20% future. So how about the present, which is the most important of all?
So my advice is to LIVE IN THE PRESENT. Focus on what can make you happy. Focus on all the positives in your life and be grateful to life’s little blessings. It would also help if you have a journal to track things you can be thankful for as well as the ones that can inspire you.
We are responsible for our own happiness. We shouldn’t depend on others. So please, let go of all the negatives and start being thankful for what you have and focus on how you can improve yourself, your life, and the people around you.
I know you are strong. You’re just scared and in pain. But in time, in time, you’ll be better. That I know for sure. Looking forward to your recovery, friends?
Wishing you all the best,
April (The Gallant Lady)
P.S. You can use EFT if you’re feeling sad, it helps. Check Youtube videos on how to use EFT.
Thank you, April. I appreciate this. You’re right about focusing on the present. Sometimes, the past sneaks up on me and I have to learn to quickly refocus my energy on the present and all the things I have to be happy about.
Meizac
I’m thinking how annoying it is when you lay it out there and people offer advice. But your post touched me and I’m going through a divorce, so I just can’t keep silent. He’s just the change agent. He’s not what this was all about. What this was all about was God, the Universe–whatever you believe in–seeing a situation that needed to change. And a you that needed to change. Pain, pain, pain. I know. But every ounce of energy spent on him is an ounce you can’t give to yourself and your kids. And you’re the ones worth it, right?
Nothing to say, candidkay, except “right” and thank you.
You might check out an approach (inspired by Buddhism) known as “Constructive Living,” — it’s practical and doable. It helped me through a hard time. Good luck to you.
http://boat.zero.ad.jp/~zbe85163/dkr2.htm
http://www.todoinstitute.org/
I’m sorry it still hurts so much. I understand. I hurt more for my kids now and how the entire situation went down. It robbed them of so much innocence and trust. It was unnecessary and a deep betrayal. The saving reality is, even if he had come crawling back, I didn’t want him anymore. He didn’t (and doesn’t) deserve me. He and she deserve each other and truly are perfect for each other. Their foundation is built on deceit. The same is true for you–he didn’t deserve you then and he doesn’t deserve you now. Your header is the beauty that lives on . . . blessings.
Hi, Pamela
Thank you for sharing this with me. You’re are right that I don’t want him anymore. I haven’t for a very long time. He doesn’t deserve to be with me anymore. I hurt, though, for myself and having gone through it and, especially, I hurt for my kids. This whole thing isn’t fair to them. I know, from your comment, you understand this.
Meizac
Yes, the pain doesn’t ever go away. It just becomes dull when life’s business covers it up. I hope in time we will be able to see that the red, painful flecks were part of a beautiful mosaic that we could not understand at the time. xo
I have given a little of what I went through when decided she no longer wanted to be married. Yes, the entire thing was so painful that I am not certain that there are any words to describe the deep hurt. But over time I have found a way, not to forget the pain, rather to not let the pain further impact my life.
One thing I did was continue working on my goals. Among the goals was to achieve academic success. Even more I knew that God had (and still has) a work for me. Therefore my academic success is predicated upon the work that I am to continue in. As such I was busy doing what was necessary to be successful. This is not to say that the pain dissipated. It just means that the more I focused on my goals the less time I had to consider the wrong imposed upon me.
It is my hope that this makes since. Yes, if I begin to reflect on what happened I pull the scab off the wound. Note that scabs are a sign of healing. Having said that it might be a good idea to leave the scabs alone and allow the Balm in Gilead to seek in so that the healing will be complete.
God Speed.
Meizac,
I went trough something like this some months ago.
And you know what I did?
Every time I felt that I was to remember something about him or us together, felt that black hole getting darker and bigger, felt like I was about to crawl on the floor screaming, just felt miserable, I changed the subject! Literally. Forced myself into doing something else and thinking about something else. And it actually worked. Maybe this helps. It did help me.
Wish you all the best!
mmkng
Thank you, mmkng. That’s exactly what I’m going to try to do. Change the subject. I also have a friend who’s going to teach me to meditate.
meditation, not listening to the same music, anything that can make you think about something else! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bi_mSrvy52Q&feature=player_embedded I found this funny. Maybe it will help you, too!
Hahahaha! That IS funny! Thank you for sharing that.
I do like that one too, but I bet you’re right about it having more impact in German.
Meizac,
I will, if you allow me, that is, make a “think positive” playlist for you. It did help me a lot having one. Each time you tend to go down, just play it.
Hugs, mmkng
I would love it if you would do that. Thank you so much for offering!
Meizac
Working on it
hope you’ll enjoy
mmkng
Thank you, mmkng. I can’t listen to it right now, but I looked at the list and it looks like just what I need. THANK YOU!
Meizac
Yep. Best playlist ever. Thank you very much for this. Brought many smiles.
Glad you like it
And now do the meditation stuff!
And get rid of all those feelings!
Hugs,
mmkng
Thank you for sharing… I’m sure it was not easy. I wish you peace and comfort as you are dealing with this situation.
Thank you, ariacoleasher.
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it is truly one of the shittiest things to have to go through in life. It has certainly tarnished me and my out look and worst of all how I treat others. I am quite the skeptic now when it comes to others intentions
I hear ya, mdprincing. Totally hear ya.
hang in there, one day we will wake up and it will all be ok
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Set an intention from some moment forward to live your best life. Forgiveness does not mean you erase the hurt. It means you make a conscise choice to accept what he has done and move forward. It is a building block to your best self. The hurting will stop when you forgive. Choose a path of acceptance over betrayal. In fact, forgiving yourself should be first. It sounds like you hurt because you feel responsbile for the pain he inflicted on you. Forgive yourself, forgive him and you may stop the hurt. We will never be able to control how other people act, only how we react to them. My blog’s motto, “You cannot get anywhere doing the backfloat, you have to turn around and swim!” Wishing you all the best! Congrats on FP!
Thank you for this. I needed to hear it.
Meizac
This is such a moving blog; thank you for sharing it. I really identify with what you’re going through. It’s grief and you shouldn’t ever be ashamed of it, you’re stronger than you think. I hope writing has helped.
It has helped, tallulahfruitbat, as have the responses from everyone. Thank you for yours.
I don’t think anyone ever forgets pain but i thing they deal with it, someone may have hurt you really bad but in my opinion, the day you can look back at it and say ‘i got through it’ is the day that you know you’ve let go. I dont mean to sound all doom and gloom ’cause im sure it gets better, but i suppose it depends on how YOU want things to be.
Thank you, bearnextdoor. I do want things to get better. I just don’t think I’ve had a chance (for a whole host of reasons) to work through this until now.
im sure the pain will ease as soon as you get the chance to work things out, in my opinion it could be the easiest thing but we make ourselves believe it’s hard, it’s a mental thing i think :L
As one who has walked many fires in life and survive to tell, I can tell you this: No amount of positive talk, suggestions or others ideas of what we could be or should be doing will help. It did not help me. It actually left me feeling all the MORE inept at dealing with the blows life dealt me. As though I were somehow to blame for having the feelings I had.
Do we do this if one has suffered another type of loss? Or endured a horrific illness or accident no one saw coming either? No. We send cards, kind thoughts, casseroles… and give them space to heal.
It takes as long as it takes. This is what I have learned.
Do not feel pressured or further blamed for how you feel or for how long you feel it. That only compounds the initial self blame, fuels the fires of fault finding and, as I have come to learn in my own personal challenges, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. ABUSE OF ANY SORT IS NOT OUR FAULT!
If someone says something to you that triggers you, evoking a sensation of hurt within you because it echoes something someone else did while abusing you whether as an adult, a child or even still happening, I have, personally, found myself reliving it all over again. Shiny happy platitudes and get on with it attitudes have no place in the middle of a healing, grieving, loss process where I live.
In my observations, this happens frequently because the internet is a place where the majority expect others to “get over it” YESTERDAY so they can move on to today’s pallet of inane happy shiny “shares” about the shoes they bought or the coffee house they are sitting in or the exotic locale they write from or the cost of Christmas this year or the colour of the coat they will knit for their dog (now I love dogs, but you know what I’m sayin…)….
Sending you only love light and healing thoughts ALWAYS. May you go as slowly or quickly as you need to heal. May you recognize that others are also doing what is right for them and have no right to tell you where you should be, could be or cite a process they went through as evidence that you are dwelling and must move on as they were able to do. We are all different and I know of people who grieved death of a spouse for decades until they passed themselves and others who remarried in three weeks.
You are not another. You are YOU. You are uniquely, heavenly you. Remember, it takes as long as it takes.
Take YOUR time and do what YOU need to do. Keep writing, letting it out. It’s all I know to do in my own healing journey. Writing has saved my life. What I endured was not my fault.
Finally, three years after leaving an abusive 32 marriage and being abused/shocked into PTSD by my former best friend of 20 years, I have had to come to grips with the fact that 52 years of my life with them was FALSE. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. Their heinous criminal mentally/emotionally raping and physically damaging choices belong solely to THEM.
My healing has been, is still, difficult at times. But I intend to do a really cool thing called time compression. When I am well enough, strong enough, I will write the entire experience as a screen play, it will become a movie to out rival Fatal Attraction and I will set right the scales of injustices against me, thereby replacing my false decades with meaning, purpose and celebrating my successes each step of the journey. At least, this is my dream. I am getting better. I know this because last year all I dreamed of was being dead.
SURVIVING THE ABUSIVE CHOICES OF OTHERS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.
Much love,
My Name is Janice
Hi, Janice
I don’t know that I have the words to respond to this beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing with me and for your kind and thoughtful words. So much of what you’ve said touched me that, again, I don’t know that I can adequately respond.
I guess I’ll just say thank you again.
Meizac
Much love, light and healing going your way. You do not soldier alone. You are very welcome and thank you for inspiring me to write something in reply to you that wound up being my blog post for today. There are so many of us. And so many more ready to judge, stigmatize and, thus, revictimize the survivors. Write on, my friend, I am writing write beside you
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Oh Meziac, I hear your pain. I get it. My marriage ended 5 years ago and it is difficult. I am a different woman too. Like you, I would never want to go back, there is not one thing about him personally that I miss. However, I feel cheated of the life I should have had if he had lived up to the be the man he pretended to be. Now he has re-married and they are financially secure, ridiculously happy and are able to buy things for MY children that I could never afford. I guess I am glad of that in some ways, and I am glad for the boys but the struggle that I have had financially over this time is unbearable. Relationships? Yeh…I don’t know. My heart feels dead and I don’t even know if I would be able to recognize love if it steam rolled me. One light on the horizon is that I start work next year as my youngest has started school and I have been offered a great job. Still, it will be hard, as I will have to juggle this on my own. I just hope I am strong enough to step up to the plate. This all worries me. But Meziac, we are strong, and we are brave and even if it takes a while, we will come through this to be stronger, better and wiser women as we get closer to that shining light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t be ashamed to admit all of these things, you’re not alone. Big hugs, Jen xxxxxxooooooxxxxxxx
Aw, Jen, you just made me cry. So much of what you’ve written here resonates with me. So much of it. Strength in numbers, eh? Let’s do this together. <3
Yes, yes me must. Your post made me cry too. I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by in a while. I think the great thing about what you have done is, not only spewed your feelings out in such a raw and relateable way, you have made me, and I’m sure many others feel more normal about the fact although we make the pretence of being OK, it is not always the case. Busting the bubble and admitting the truth is painful, and often scary, it takes guts and yes, bravery but I think it helps to pave the way ahead for healing. Thank you, you wonderful woman. Jen xxx
Crying again. Thank YOU.
Crying is ok…get it out. We WILL be ok but it just may take a while. This is part of the process I am sure. xxx Wish I was there to give you a massive hug xxxhugxxx
I’m not generally a hugger, but I’d take one from you. We could both use it.
Absolutely!
It hurts because you trusted him, and he treated that trust – and you – like garbage. And it makes other things hurt, because he misused your trust – so why wouldn’t you be reminded, wary, hurt, of anyone else, no matter who they are? What’s to say (says your subconscious) that your best friend, who helps with your kids sometimes, won’t do the same thing? And so it hurts. And it will hurt. And then the hurt will fade, and you will slowly, slowly build your life anew.
Thank you, littleduckies, for this. You’re right. If he could do this to me, if others who’ve been significant in my life could do what they’ve done, then what’s to stop anyone else? But I know I have to work through that. And I will. I am, I think.
You will work through that. And because you’re aware of what’s happened, you are already working through it. Step one in any healing process is bringing all aspects of it to the conscious level. Once you’ve done that, you’ve already won half the battle.
It really hurts!
I am remembering all the times when im in the same condition…
But i hope and i pray, everything will be aite, sooner or later.
Bless You!
Thank you, Rukhe.
xoxo
There is no answer to your question, all you can say is one minute you will realise that you didn’t think about it, that you were happy, free. This will, I promise you it will, then evolve into hours, days of not thinking about. How long does this take? This is effected by so many things, and for me (I have been through an almost identical situation but am not brave enough to publicise it, well done to you) I feel it would be niave to totally let go. We learn from our mistakes, while we must move on from them. The trick is, learning not obsessing from the past. I have not mastered this. I am paranoid and suspicious at the best of times. I know this but can not stop it. I lack confidence and self worth, I know this but can not correct it. So you may think you are still lingering in the past, like you havnt moved on. But to me you are an inspiration, I feel ridiculous offering advice but compeled to. Just one minute at a time, for a strong woman like you, i know you will find yourself again. And if you don’t? Know that there will be hundreds of girls like me reading your post and gaining strength from it. Thankyou for that.
You made me cry, gettingontheladder. Thank you for your thoughtful response, and I’m sorry that you have been through/are going through a similar situation. I know it will get better, as it will for you.
Meizac
Your words are true and kind. I have made several remarks on this post and it seems that hurts never end. I would respectfully ask one thing though. Please remember that just as there are hurting ladies there are also hurting gentlemen. Many men, myself included, have endured very similar problems. So, please, in your comforting words remember that there are means spirited males and females. My prayer is that all the hurting will soon be comforted.
God Speed!
I wanted to post a comforting comment since pressing the “like” button didn’t feel appropriate. Then I read what some other people wrote and there is nothinng I could add. I think I know what you are going through. I guess I got away easier from the most hurtful breakup of my life, so far. Still, there are days when it hurts really bad. It takes time to get well from these kinds of things. I wish you’ll find your internal sunshine soon enough so you get unreachable of this old pain in the…
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M: there is a physiological side of all emotional trauma. The mind and body are inextricably connected…you could talk to a therapist/BFF for the next 25 yrs, but still be triggered back into the real-time experience of your trauma. And surely what you’ve described (and are so many others replying to your post) is TRAUMA. Life has given me ample opportunity to trytrytry to recover from traumatic pain–the sort where I am instantly back into a real-time experience of that numbingshocked mindspace followed shortly by the searing feelings, the hopelessness, the anger, the anguish, the vast despair. But I’m better than I was–here’s what I know: PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is symptomatic of recurring feelings of horror and helplessness over a situation, a complete inability to make sense or come to acceptable resolution about it. For me, finding a psychotherapist who could deal with my PTSD (guess what, it’s not just for war-vets! Again–it’s triggered by an experience that creates feelings of horror and helplessness that are never resolved). I HIGHLY recommend a book by Dr. Schapiro called EMDR: Eye Motion Desensitization Reprogramming…you can get it on Amazon. Then find a trained professional who can help you get out of the cyclic pain that is a PTSD. It is possible…healing from traumatic pain will happen a (relatively) lot faster IF you address the emotional and physiological aspects of PTSD.
Thank you for this, Liana. I’ll look into the resources you mentioned, as I agree that PTSD or something like it could be an issue here.
Hello Meizac,
I share your pain as a I am expirencing as similar situation.
Trying to understand how some one you have spent years with could knowingly hurt you by wandering in to the shadows of lust with someone else. Forgiveness I beleive must involve your partners fealings in the way of being forgiven, if they don’t show that they are sorry it is impossible to forgive. I can only hope that the hurt in your heart dosent consume you. Please take care.
Love Keith
Thank you, Keith, for your kind words. Please take care of yourself as well.
Meizac
Hugs for you.
I was drawn to your post when I saw it on “Fresh Pressed” … Did you know it’s there?
My final divorce papers arrived in the mail a week ago. Although I was the one who filed, I was the one who left, I was the one who packed my bags in a rush in fear of yet another angry outburst, although I was the one who wanted the divorce, I was slammed head-on with intense sadness when I read the papers that I had signed and he had signed.
It hurts, doesn’t it? It blasted hurts.
i feel your ache…though have no comforting words…this has no answers…but i hope you continue to be the strong person you are….
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Seems this blogger misread my post, but check hers out anyway.